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June 14, 2008: Season Two Championship, Cosmonaughties 58, Wicked Pissahs 69

Type :Bout Recaps
Season 2 Championship Bout Recap: Cosmos v. Pissahs
By Mr. Hits

Meet the new champs. Same as the old champs. In the business of Boston roller derby, nobody does it better than the Wicked Pissahs, and this revered squad has now added a second championship trophy to their mantle. Saturday, June 14 marked the Boston Derby Dames’ Season Two championship bout, and the favored Pissahs dodged an upset and capped off their perfect season by beating the Cosmonaughties in an epic nailbiter. To the casual observer, the lack of back-breaking collisions may have proved surprising, but for superfans like Papa Fevah, it was glorious derby from both sides: lots of controlled skating and mid-stream adjustments, and a complete unwillingness to quit. The Cosmos, this year’s playoff Cinderella story, worked their magic again and almost engineered an unlikely win. The bout’s outcome remained in question even in the final few minutes, but the Pissahs were a team of destiny this season, and they ultimately locked it down to finish with a 69-58 victory.

With this being the Big Dance and championship hardware up for grabs, logic suggests that the bout should have begun with a bang. But exactly the opposite was true. Not only were there no high-speed fireworks, but the crowd witnessed probably the slowest pack speed of any bout this year. Of course, it’s unlikely this was by chance (the women are more than capable of sustaining an uptempo pace) and it was probably orchestrated by the Pissahs, who had much more to gain by keeping the pace modest.

Against the backdrop of the pedestrian pack, the jammers looked lightning fast for the first few jams. The opener saw Claire D. Way of the Cosmonaughties square off against Tootsie Pop of the Wicked Pissahs. Neither skated clean on her first pass, so there was no lead jammer and they went for the full two minutes. Impressively, both jammers executed two scoring passes, a rare feat, but it was Tootsie who emerged triumphant with eight points to Claire’s six to give her team an early edge. From there, the Pissahs pitched back-to-back shutouts, their jammers riding the house-cleaning of blockers Shellby Shattered and Etta Maims, to jump to a 17-6 lead.

Following two non-scoring jams (both of which involved excellent skating from behind by the non-lead jammers), the Cosmos caught a big break in the 6th jam to get back in the bout. As Pissahs jammer Jodie Faster attacked an inside line coming around the first turn, Cosmonaughtie Anna WrecksYa clipped her hard and sent Faster on a trigonometric jolt through the infield, across the secant connecting the curve and the straightaway. Realizing that she was unwillingly cutting the track, Faster immediately slammed the brakes, but her momentum was too great to overcome in such a limited space, and she re-entered the track illegally, earning a track cutting penalty. That being her fourth minor, Faster was sent to the penalty box and Cosmos jammer Maura Buse was left alone to run amuck. Ever one to exploit a favorable spot, Buse blasted twelve points to give her team an 18-17 lead.

Even having taken the lead, the Cosmos didn’t seem to be skating with the confidence that has made them so tough these last couple of months. To be sure, some skaters were feeling the flow -- Professor CoCo A Go-Go and Pitts of Rage were out for blood -- but there wasn’t the full-scale assault necessary for battling the Pissahs. And so, still winning the mental game and very much controlling the pack dynamics, the Pissahs cranked out a 17-2 run over the next four jams before the Cosmos called a timeout. Kudos to the Cosmos managers, who used the game break to inject some of their ample moxie in to their flat skaters. The Cosmos had their groove back when they returned to the track for the 12th jam, and they got a 3-0 effort from Claire that cut the lead to 34-23 as the first period effectively ended.

The Cosmos continued to press their comeback at the start of the second. After a neutral first jam, Buse grand-slammed Tootsie Pop and picked off one more skater before calling it off and slashing the Pissahs’ lead to five. Cosmos MVP Mrs. Dash followed that up with a great jam against Pissahs MVP Krushpuppy. K-Pup broke the pack first and was lead jammer, which, given her impressive foot speed, is typically awful news for an opposing team. But Dash, now the winner of two consecutive MVP awards, showed why her trophy case is quickly filling up, and she tracked down K-pup to force an early call-off and a 0-0 jam.

Just when it looked like the Cosmos might close the gap completely, the momentum shifted back to the Pissahs. The Pissahs jammer Triple Deck-Her beat Cosmo jammer Claire 3-0 in a full two-minute jam where it looked like Claire was sent to the penalty box, only to be told to return to the track. Claire must have picked up her fourth minor, because she started the next jam in the box and Krushpuppy banged out a grand slam with the help of Harlot Fevah, who worked the pivot stripe like a champ all night. And just like that, the Pissahs snatched back a safe lead of 44-31.

Shaken, but not stirred, the ever-scrappy Cosmos refused to quit. Getting help from every skater, they clawed back for the next six jams, at one point grabbing lead jammer in four straight, each with a different Cosmo skater wearing the star. The Pissahs got three back in the second period’s final jam, courtesy of Etta Maims dropping Cosmo jammer Maura Buse to enable a Tootsie Pop scoring pass, but the Cosmos had won this twenty minutes and the Pissahs lead stood at only eight: 53-45. The highlight of this period for Cosmo fans had to be the unlikely sight of petite rookie Mrs. Dash delivering a hit to Shellby Shattered that caught her unawares and sent her to the ground—no easy feat, and one that brought smiles to the many Dames whose first scrimmage scars were earned by Shattered executing just such a move on them.

The third period opened with complete confusion for the fans and mild chaos on the track. After Tootsie scored a 3-2 jam victory over Claire, Cosmos manager Ruby Khan took the floor and gave the refs an earful. As it turns out, Tootsie had not been in place on the jammer line when the refs blew their whistle and should have been sent off the track leaving the Pissahs jammerless for two minutes. (The same situation caused Nutcracker jammer Sarah Doom to be sent back to her bench during the final jams of her team’s playoff against the Cosmos. She was still rolling when the whistle blew: not in place, not in play, back to the bench. Fortunately, the newest WFTDA ruleset that the Dames will be using next season eliminates this hard-to-decipher technicality.) To compensate for the ref error, Tootsie was stripped of her points to bring the score to 53-47. One can only imagine what point grab Claire may have been able to accomplish had her blockers not also been contending with a jammer who should not have been there. After that was sorted out, it’s fair to say that chaos still reigned, but it was controlled derby chaos. For several straight jams, both teams found themselves with penalty woes, particularly the Pissahs, who had at least one skater in the box for eight straight jams. Although short on skaters, the packs were long on aggression. With the end near, a sense of urgency seemed to kick in, making the third period by far the fastest and most hostile of the three.

The faster pace should have favored the Cosmos, but they had problems putting points on the board. Despite no obvious leaks in their game, they got shut out in jams two through five while the Pissahs tallied five points. Like in the first period, the Cosmos got a reprieve at the halfway point when the Pissahs lost their jammer to the box. Shellby Shattered was sent off for a track-cutting major and Cosmo jammer Professor CoCo A Go-Go came up huge for eight much-needed points. With less than ten minutes left, it was a four point game, and the bout’s outcome was a virtual toss-up. That is, until the defending champs found their sixth gear. In the 8th jam, with Claire D. Way in the penalty box for the Cosmos, Tootsie popped a 4-0 effort to extend her team’s lead. In the 9th, Krushpuppy snatched lead jammer and laid down four more points.

The lead was twelve with five minutes left. The Cosmos desperately needed to seize lead jammer in the remaining few jams. And they did. First it was Claire beating Triple Deck-Her to the spot, but Deck, the heart of the Pissahs, held on and limited Claire to a single point. Then it was Buse’s turn. She grabbed the lead over Krushpuppy, but again, no big scoring pass could be mounted, and Buse got only two before having to call it off. Flash back to Claire and she again bagged lead jammer for the Cosmos, but Tootsie was right on her tail and Claire couldn’t get any on the board. With time remaining for only one more full jam and the Pissahs lead at nine, Claire toed the line against K-pup. The first whistle blew, and the Pissahs pack took off at high speed. Clever strategists that they are, the Pissahs realized that if they pushed the pace of the pack, it would be almost impossible for Claire to complete two full scoring passes in the minimal remaining time. They were right, but the point was moot. Krushpuppy got to the lead and scored two before pulling the plug and ensuring the Pissahs’ victory. The final jam lasted but a few seconds and was only a formality. The Pissahs had done it again, winning their second championship by a score of 69-58.

Quick words about the MVP’s. First, Krushpuppy. What an unbelievable rookie season. She was the league’s high scorer, won multiple MVP awards, never seems to have a mediocre bout, and just keeps getting better. I used to think that K-pup was the future, but it’s clear now that she’s the present. And Mrs. Dash. Just when you think her improvement is ready to flatten out, she shows you something new. On Saturday, Dash’s jamming was better than it’s ever been and she took her blocking to the next level. Not only did Dash manage to lean out Shellby Shattered, but she demonstrated a track awareness that helped her execute several key offensive blocks. Keep your eyes on this one, derby fans.

To all the Cosmonaughties, brava! They amazed everyone, including probably themselves, with their rapid coming-together in these last few months, and they deserve as much applause as skinny scenester arms are capable of giving them.

Likewise to the Pissahs. These women play with a genuine ferocity that is palpable to even derby first-timers. It’s no surprise that they possess the most rabid and dedicated fan base in the league. It’s not just that they win, it’s how they win. Don’t you change, Pissahs.

With next year’s regular season restructuring, home team action now takes an eight-month hiatus, but worry not, derby junkies; there’s plenty of action to feed your cravings for hot quads. Boston’s travel teams are ramping up their schedules and are available to fulfill all your roller needs this summer. Next month, come watch the All-Star Boston Massacre, hot off a solid showing at the East Coast Extravaganza in Philadelphia, try to extend their home winning streak in a showdown against the Ohio Roller Girls on July 19th. And don’t forget to check in for the second installment of Mr. Hits’ derby podcast previews, set to be posted on the night on which I am most drunk in July.

Team stats:

Wicked Pissahs
Lead jammer in 17 of 39 jams
Highest scoring jammer (single jam): Tootsie Pop, 8 points in period 1, jam 1; Triple Deck-Her, 8 points in period 1, jam 10
Highest scoring jammer (overall): Triple Deck-Her, 26 points
Most penalties: Triple Deck-Her, 11 minors
MVP: Krushpuppy #843

Cosmonaughties
Lead jammer in 17 of 39 jams
Highest scoring jammer (single jam): Maura Buse, 12 points in period 1, jam 6
Highest scoring jammer (overall): Maura Buse, 27 points
Most penalties: Claire D. Way, 8 minors; Professor CoCo A Go-Go, 8 minors
MVP: Mrs. Dash #360
 

 
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